


i’m running out of oxygen

by sparklingmini



Category: BAE173 (Band), H&D (Korea Band), X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Homophobia, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, based off of my sad life, but i don’t explicitly state anything, dogyul best brothers, had to add seungyul in there, implied asexual/aromantic character, it’s not really implied, written in past tense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:27:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24320533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparklingmini/pseuds/sparklingmini
Summary: even until the end none of this has mattered to dohyon. in the end, he’s still an unhappy sixteen year old who barely knows what he wants for dinner tonight.
Relationships: Lee Hangyul & Nam Dohyon
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	i’m running out of oxygen

**Author's Note:**

> this is inspired by conversations that happen between my mother and other people. also because i have a childhood friend and both of our parents want us to get together. jokes on them, i’m aromantic. this is also very vaguely based off of oh my god by alec benjamin and caraphernelia by piece the veil because that’s all i listened to writing this.
> 
> title from: oh my god - alec benjamin

it’s not that dohyon hates loves, no, that’s not it. platonic love is _certainly_ ok. when it’s shoved upon him by his mother, it shoves his thoughts upside down.

he’s only sixteen (barely even knows what he wants to have for dinner tonight), but suddenly everyone is throwing onto him questions, _“what do you want to do in the future?” “do you have any idea on what the future holds?”_

and even simple statements like _“you’re going to have a family one day dohyon.” “you’re going to find a loving woman, get married to her, have a family.”_ when in reality, that’s _not_ what dohyon wishes _at all._

mum tells him not to get a girlfriend until he’s eighteen, when he’s graduated school. when they talk about dohyon getting into relationships in the future, it feels like she’s forcing him to get into one right now.

he gets told constantly that he’s a “smarty pants”. every person he and his mother run into, it’s the constant, _“he’s my smartest boy,”_ as if a whole ass _hangyul_ wasn’t his brother.

dohyon wants to run away, he doesn’t need this pressure on his shoulders, _especially when his thoughts_ love _to run wild at night._

he stays for hangyul. there’s no one dohyon loves more than hangyul, and he hopes, _wishes,_ that hangyul feels the same way.

dohyon gets praised a lot more than hangyul does. hangyul is the _“bad kid, horrible influence on our little dohyonnie,”_ and dohyon doesn’t want that to seep into his and hangyul’s relationship. dohyon would be _devastated._

no matter how many times hangyul would _promise_ that their mother’s ugly words don't affect what they have going on, he still can’t feel that hangyul _really_ means those words.

their mother did the best she could for the two of them, but dohyon still didn’t feel comfortable enough with how his life was going. his father left some time ago - three years ago (almost four), when he was twelve - and at first he was spiteful. hated that his loving and caring father had _left them._

as the years dragged on, dohyon truly realised how much happier he would’ve been if he _didn’t_ spite his father and actually cried out to him, done _anything_ to let him take dohyon with him.

_“as soon as we’re old enough i’ll take you away dohyon, we’ll be happier on our own, just us two.”_ hangyul had said to him one night, the pressure of being the “smarty pants” of the household weighing him down.

slowly, _very_ slowly, thoughts creep up on his mind he never thought would. he wants to chop himself up into little tiny pieces, doesn’t want to _exist_ anymore. wants to shrink up and _die._

_“it’s normal dohyon, you’re growing.”_ his mum said to him, but she didn’t _get it._ there’s no way what he was feeling was _normal_.

_“hyung, i don’t feel good.”_ dohyon then had said to his precious hangyul-hyung, and he understands him more than his mother ever could.

hangyul sat dohyon down and asked him questions about how he felt. _talked_ to him. _comforted_ him. not like his mother, who told him that he’s growing up, there’s nothing to worry about and just _left him._

music is a nice escape from life, dohyon thinks.

the ability to play different chords that match the way he feels. the way his fingers flow on the piano keys, the inspiration hitting him hard when all he felt like was crying, _breaking down_ . he can hear his depressing compositions when he tries to sleep and the thoughts are _too much_ for him to handle.

_“h-hyung,”_ dohyon says one night - to a hangyul who’s over the room, but he feels like he’s _so far away_ \- when he’s _so close_ to wanting to grab those scissors that rest on his bedside table and _cutting_ until he _can’t feel no more._

_“yeah? dohyonnie? you ok there bud?”_

_“i-i can't do this anymore hyung.”_

suddenly, hangyul is shooting up in his bed, turning on the lamp that rests on his bedside table. he moves quickly to a dohyon, who finally lets the tears out.

_“hyonnie… would you like to tell me what’s wrong? why do you feel like this?”_

dohyon sobs into hangyul’s arms, he can’t form any coherent words without the strong need to _cry._

_“c’mon hyonnie, calm down please, you’re going to work yourself into a panic attack.”_

all the thoughts that dohyon had been having those past few months were coming back to him at full force.

_“it’s too much hyung, i’m crumbling down, i don’t want to feel anymore, i’m being pressured too much.”_

_“i don’t understand how you feel dohyonnie, i can’t lie to you, i have it_ way _easier than you, but just know, that i_ am _here for you if you need someone to lean on.”_

_“i really don’t know what i’d do without you hyung, you’re my rock keeping me grounded.”_

if that night, dohyon cries himself to sleep in hangyul’s arms, no one has to know.

—

the next day, dohyon’s future love life comes back up as a topic of conversation with another one of his mother’s nameless friends.

once again, the weight of dohyon’s future presses onto his shoulders. that is _not_ what he wanted. he wanted a peaceful life on his own, no kids, no wife or husband to shackle him down, whether that be at home or at work. he never wanted any of that.

dohyon always joked about not wanting a partner, hoping that _someone_ would understand he _doesn’t_ want to date, marry, or have children.

he might’ve agreed when someone told him that he only doesn’t want it because all he has experienced is heartbreak. while he _might’ve_ agreed, he didn’t _fully_ agree. not when his precious hangyul-hyung has a boyfriend. a happy, loving relationship, dohyon would explain it as.

even though his mother doesn’t accept the two of them, ( _hates_ the idea of them being together. one of her sons, _gay? “disgusting,”_ she would always say to more of her nameless friends, _“doesn’t get good grades, gay, can only focus on dance, horrible,_ horrible _influence on dohyonnie,”_ ) they still manage to defy all odds.

dohyon still remembers the day he met his boyfriend. how _scared_ hangyul looked when the younger stumbled upon the two of them having a date in a new café dohyon wanted to try. (with hangyul, but he can see where he went now.) he already knew what his mother thought of him, he had told her the day they got together, expecting a warm smile, instead, he got a cold scowl, telling him to get out of their house.

_“dohyonnie,”_ hangyul had started, obviously scared, as his boyfriend grabbed at his hands, both faces tense, _“t-this is my boyfriend, cho seungyoun.”_

dohyon remembers the way he couldn’t control the smile that bloomed on his face. he was so happy for hangyul that the happiness was unexplainable.

_“ah, congrats hyung, i’m glad you’re happy with him.”_

the face on hangyul and seungyoun after his response is priceless. forever, will dohyon adore their relationship.

this brought dohyon back to what he thinks about relationships.

to him, relationships are fine if everyone consents and are happy where they are. it’s just not something he’d actively search for.

it is true that he had only seen heartbreak. whether that be from family, and even his friends, but dohyon thinks this is how he was meant to turn out.

for so long, dohyon hasn’t wanted relationships or children. he was good with little kids, there’s no doubt about that, but little dohyons running around? doesn’t sound too pleasing.

talking about this with people is the awkwardest conversation he’ll ever have.

telling people he doesn’t want kids or a relationship? woah, not something you’d expect.

_“hyung,”_ dohyon had said to hangyul when he was supposed to be sleeping, the start of school just lurking around the corner (he really needed to get to sleep earlier, three am is _not_ acceptable), but he just _had_ to get this out. _“are you going to hate me if i don’t find a family?”_

_“what do you mean dohyon? i’m gay, not our mum,”_ hangyul laughed it off, but dohyon’s stomach had twisted into tight knots. _“is there something wrong? who cares if i’m not an uncle, or i don’t have a sister-in-law or brother-in-law. again, i’m not our mother, i’m just your brother.”_

_“do you think mum will?”_

_“oh for sure,”_ hangyul had never beat around the bush and it _scared_ him, as long as he had hangyul, right? _“look, i don’t mean to scare you dohyonnie, but one of her sons is gay and the other doesn’t want a family? she’s for_ sure _going to disown both of us.”_

dohyon was scared, of course he was. _“i’ll always have you right hyung?”_ dohyon was scared, he had to ask hangyul.

_“of course dohyon, i could never hate you. seungyounie-hyung’s always here for you too.”_

seungyoun was always very dear to dohyon. he always felt like he was actually a part of his family. (if they are ever going to get married, then he would _actually_ be a part of dohyon’s family, dohyon thinks it’s crazy to think about.)

he could accept this. in the end, it only mattered if hangyul and seungyoun cared about him.

even until the end none of this has mattered to dohyon. in the end, he’s still an unhappy sixteen year old who barely knows what he wants for dinner tonight.


End file.
